Reviews about movies, and other stuff.

Rated: R
Running Time: 111 Minutes
Year: 1984
Boobs: One Pair
One Sentence: This is what it sounds like when I cry.

We have not seen the 80's pic in a while, but thanks to Lib, we are seeing it today, for the Prince inspired/starring film, Purple Rain. Now I am pretty sure that I have seen some or all of Purple Rain before, I remember that I think this was the first movie I ever heard the word Motherfucker in, and I also remember seeing the naked girl jumping in a lake scene. I would suspect my mom rented it, as she loved prince in the 80's. I guess I don't remember much more than the boobies, and the profanity from my previous viewing and now I can see why.

Who's bright idea is it to give musicians roles in movies. Does it ever work out? Ok, I am going to revoke that statement, because I am sure some of you will pull Lyle Lovett or someone else out of your ass and I will have to backtrack. So let's start over. Who's bright idea is it to give musicians who suck at acting, parts in movies. Not only do we have Prince and the whole entire Revolution, who make me cringe with ever faked, forced emotion, but then on top of that we have Morris Day and the Time, another whole band, who again CAN NOT ACT! Luckily they got a Los Angeles Rams Cheerleader to play the love interest. Wouldn't want an actress to fill that spot either. What all of this means, is that even if the dialogue was not horrible, and that the plot wasn't bullshit, then this movie would still completely suck balls.

However because on top of it's annoying characters, and lame plot, we have Prince, king of wackjobs trying to show that he is in pain, or in love, or having sex, or riding his motorcycle, or walking around in that puffy shirt. This movie is really pushing into my top 10 worst movies of all time. The reason why it gets such an esteemed title, is because this movie was not a joke, and everyone in it, was in it as a serious film. I am all into makign crap if you know you are making crap, but this is crap trying to be sold as gold. However instead it just comes off as some purple crud from the sewer.

Rated: UR
Running Time: 129 Minutes (Too long)
Year: 2001
Boobs: 2 pairs?

I have heard the name Takashi Miike for a while, and I have been wanting to see something by him. His name keeps popping up and Audition looked really out of hand but I had heard more about Ishi, so I decided to rent this first...It was an experience.

Ichi according to the movie nerds is a movie based off of a Japenese comic of equal violence but perhaps not nearly as much failure in order and structure, however I have not read it, so I can not be sure. I am not sure if the Miike is bored, sick, or just seeing what he can get put onto film. But this movie is ultraviolent to the point of absurdity and I am not sure what the point of all of it was. Torture, murder, rape, and woman beating was what you have in store for you if you decide to rent Ichi. Most of it was completly uncalled for and had no baring on the story that was going on in the movie. I think it got so out of hand that is was more humorus than anything else. It was just so poorly done and put in for no reason that it was a joke. So if you are ok with that part, thats the first half you have to be ok with...

Then there is the story, or what I think was a story, it was a jumbled poorly designed tale about some Yakuiza (sp) and a missing boss. Most of the time you didn't know who, was whom, or what was going on. I am still not sure why certain people were killing certain other people, and what the driving forces anyone had were. It all was very weak. No one seemed to have any real modivation, but they were people charged with energy, and murderous tendicies, it made no sense to me at all. I just didn't like it at all and really felt like I wasted time on it, and I am having a hard time being movidated to try again with Miike, it seems like it would be another lost cause.

Rated: PG
Running Time: 80 Minutes
Year: 2004
Boobs: Zero

Hey, I am a reasonable guy, I am willing to watch movies that I hear are bad, and I do it for you. The poor sap who still reads what I write for whatever reason you have to do so. I am a giver, I tell you what you need to know, I know some of you have kids, and that kid might go. I wanna see Garfield. The correct responce to this is. No I am sorry honey, Garfield sucks.

How the fuck did Jon Davis put his name on this pile of steaming pile! It was horrible, how did Bill Murray agree to this crap. HOW WAS ODiE SOME CRAPPY TERRIER! OMG It pisses me off. Nermal was a moron, AND NOT A FUCKING KITTEN! Garfield was way too active, he was dancing for fucks sake! DANCING! I have read like 15+ garfield books and he never ever danced! The most active thing he ever did was kick Odie off the table. Oh and on top of that it was boring as hell and not funny. The only thing good about this movie was that it was 80 minutes long. However it was 80 minutes too long.

Rated: UR (Director's Cut)
Running Time: 2 Painful Hours
Boobs: Meg Ryan's and some booty strippers.
One Sentence: Meg Ryan gets naked 10 year too late.

What I am amazed at really is that some people over at IMDB are actually saying they liked and understood this movie. I understood it, I understood it was total crap. This could have been the worst movie I have seen in the last year. It was that bad. It was terrible.

Terrible scattered shooting, that tends to show up in these attempted cool arty, above the normal cusp movies, which really detracts from the story, and is just some lame attempt at something that I am not sure about.

Slow and boring, sweet fuck this movie was an "erotic thriller" and it was slow and boring. I was not scared, not interested, not wanting to see what happened next, nor turned on by the sex. It was just not good.

Meg Ryan was getting naked it in, for some attempt to recharge her career, but all it was, was her looking trashy with Jennifer Jason Leigh, I mean gross unwashed hair trashy. Getting naked, with old boobs, that should have been shown off 10 years ago. Fucking some gross guy, who was equally unattractive, and totally disgusting to me, who would want to fuck this dirty hairy vulgar cop, and who would want to fuck this run down white trash teacher who was a total moron.

OH my fucking god, I am done writing about this piece of shit I have wasted too much time on it already. Don't ever watch this movie.

Rated: R
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Boobs: Yes! At least 5 pairs! RAVE BOOBS!
One Sentence: Ravers that are not very ravey go rave with zombies at the rave of the year!

OMG! I do not know wheater to laugh or cry about this movie, it was soo great, and soo bad, I mean really really really bad. It was like WTF lame bad. But they had a rave! YAY! hahah! It was so awesome, there were like ravers, and they were showing thier boobs! During the day they were raving, and it was awesome! haha! Then they got attacked by zombies on "The Isle of the Dead!" hahaha!

From there its all just fucked. I mean the story sucked, the acting sucked, the boobs were fake, they used like matrix rip off shots that really failed, and the movie was just bad. I am still not sure what the movie was about or if it had a plot, the zombies were not even cool or scary, they were lame. The whole movie was a really bad waste of time, except for the ravers! YAY!

Oh yea they had like these really bad scene wipes with clips from the video game, like a scene would end, and then they would show the game for a second and move to the next scene, I don't know what that was all about but this movie was no good, don't even rent it.